Past, present, future?

Past? Present? Future?
Suddenly thought of these.
What is my past? Am I in present? Where will my future be?
Past? I born in a happy family but things gone worst and chaos as I grow and hate grows with me too.
Well, many might ask why choose to hate but not to love? Forgive is to forgiven. God want you to love not to hate.
I heard this plenty of times but is it something that helped me during the growing season?
I hate because people around me used me like a pawn and I have to do as they pleased and suffer the consequences.
I hate because why did my family break apart and left only a few broken pieces.
I hate because I can't fight to protect my own loving ones and only can see them getting hurt one by one .
In past, I thought I have the happiest moment in the world and will continue to live like that but slowly I found out that there is no such thing that will happen to me.
I'm just a unlucky guy. A plague? A monster?
Or maybe just a passing by guy in this world?
I hope my past can be erase and I can rewrite it but that will never happen.
So what is my past? Hate? Anger?
Am I in present?
Living here now is just like living in hell.
Well I might have friends who cares but everything is different after you left.
The laughter and happiness, I just cant manage to learn any of it.
Sometimes I might looks happy or well, laughing with friends. But deep down in my heart, I'm just repeating asking myself, am I worthy to be happy without you? How can I be happy?
In my life, there is only short moment of happiness but it will never stay long.
So they say, "enjoy while you can."
I can't even be happy and enjoy the short moment, so how am I gonna live in present?
All I'm now is someone that drag in past and can't move on.
So am I in present?
Where will my future be?
I once said and plan my future wisely.
Well, as soon as you left, every single planning is useless. Do u know what is the plans for our future?
Well, I really tried hard to be what you want me to be, and is it easy? Well, I don't think anyone will say it is.
When anyone asking else to be what they want him to be, they will sure say, ARE YOU CRAZY?
But when you said to me, wanting me to be that guy u dreamt, I really tried hard.
Why will I do that? Am I stupid?
No, the answer lies on our love. I love you deep down in my heart, loving you is not a choice but a decision.
I want to be who you want me to be.
But I guess its too late. You left and our love left and now I'm just alone facing part of my love to you and seeing you loving others.
Now, all I can do is just simply wait and wait and wait.
I know there won't be miracle and writing these blog are just useless,  there is not even a single tiny mere chances that you are going to read it.
But now, I just have to let go, and just wait for you.
I have no direction,  no planning for my future because it can only be done by half, you had taken away another half after you left.
So where is my future?