"我可能不能再爱了吧?"
每当问自己这个问题时都想逃避
可是现在不能再逃了,要面对。
我的心永远都是你的,这个是事实,
不管过了多久多长,甚至多困难都好,
我不能让任何东西改变这个事实。
因为你,我才有机会在这里生活着。
学会了这点,并不困难,只是踏出第一步,
是我人生中最不想做的决定。
现在已经决定了,也有方向了。
绝对不能再爱了,会成为你心目中最好的男人,可能要更好。
不管以后你结婚了,或是发生什么事都好,我张业景,都是属于你颜小姐的。
圣经说要对你欠的人还回4倍才可以, 我的四倍的惩罚就是那么多了。
谢谢你,到现在,我还是一样的爱着你。
You are the angel in my life♥
Thank you for everything you had done, sorry that I disappoint you...
爱上她后,不曾不爱她,说是说不再爱,可是却口事心非。
自从你住在我心里,我已经是属于你的。
男人又怎样?我的原则还是你。。。
你知道吗?我现在只需要你的温软。
可是一切都不可能。
原来真正爱一个人是那么辛苦的。
还以为能很潇洒的忘记然后重新开始,
可是脑袋却每一分每一秒的想念你。
难道我只能靠这种又爱又恨的精神活下去吗?
爱着你,还是在恨着呢?
说真的,我觉得把我的命让出来更好吧?
毫无意义的活着是很没用的吧?
听见自己爱的人爱上了另一个又能怎样?
我的价值全无了,只能傻傻的等下去。
但愿他保护到你吧。
保护到你,我就能安心的走下黄泉的路。
也不会有牵挂。你上天堂的,而我下地狱。
我们的路就是那么不同。
现在的我,已经对性命没意义了,看来还是捐出来比较好吧?
我还很爱你,可是你说了我们是不可能的了。
我也不勉强。看来我会是一个人上路。
我爱你,颜小姐,有缘分下世再见,到时我会对你更好 =)
Been continously dreaming of nightmare after you left.
Normally is a dream that I can't protect you and you died right in front of my eyes.
The torture and the pain in dream always frightened me and wake me up in the midnight.
But recently, I finally dream something different, well, not really a big difference but this time I am the one who died and you are the one who live.
Well, I kinda hope this dream is like deja vu and will happen in future, at least I'm the one who is going to hell earlier and you as always go to heaven as soon as you die after living a meaningful life.
Some say it's just a dream but I hope it will happen.
I can imagine when even god is going to abandon me and let satan take me.
In the dream, I'm meant to die, everything that is against law of physics are coming to kill me.
Well, at least this dream is something I wish and hope now.
Another day pass. Wasted and meaningless.
You once told me, live happily and meaningfully.
I guess I don't deserve these.
It had been such a long time that I didn't feel happiness or live joyfully.
All I had been doing now is get drunk, computer games, eat and repeat the same sequence all over again.
A bulb is useless without power supply right?
It will not shine brightly unless you turn it on.
Well, you did turn me on but you turn me off when you left.
There is not even a dim light glow in me. All I can feel now is darkness and loneliness.
I mighy have friends. But they ain't not you. You are the only people that changed who I am.
Now? I don't even know who I am.
Can life be even worst?
Yes it can, I believe my life is in hell ever since you left.
Sounds so stupid when I say just came back to heaven from hell and into hell again.
Should I glad that this incident happen so that you release in your struggling with me? Or should I be unhappy when you left and left me alone suffer?
A monster always deserve to be beaten right?
Like what your family said, I can still remember every single words.
But still, you have a great family and I respect that.
What will happen to me? I neither can forsee myself nor stand up and move on.
I miss you =)
Past? Present? Future?
Suddenly thought of these.
What is my past? Am I in present? Where will my future be?
Past? I born in a happy family but things gone worst and chaos as I grow and hate grows with me too.
Well, many might ask why choose to hate but not to love? Forgive is to forgiven. God want you to love not to hate.
I heard this plenty of times but is it something that helped me during the growing season?
I hate because people around me used me like a pawn and I have to do as they pleased and suffer the consequences.
I hate because why did my family break apart and left only a few broken pieces.
I hate because I can't fight to protect my own loving ones and only can see them getting hurt one by one .
In past, I thought I have the happiest moment in the world and will continue to live like that but slowly I found out that there is no such thing that will happen to me.
I'm just a unlucky guy. A plague? A monster?
Or maybe just a passing by guy in this world?
I hope my past can be erase and I can rewrite it but that will never happen.
So what is my past? Hate? Anger?
Am I in present?
Living here now is just like living in hell.
Well I might have friends who cares but everything is different after you left.
The laughter and happiness, I just cant manage to learn any of it.
Sometimes I might looks happy or well, laughing with friends. But deep down in my heart, I'm just repeating asking myself, am I worthy to be happy without you? How can I be happy?
In my life, there is only short moment of happiness but it will never stay long.
So they say, "enjoy while you can."
I can't even be happy and enjoy the short moment, so how am I gonna live in present?
All I'm now is someone that drag in past and can't move on.
So am I in present?
Where will my future be?
I once said and plan my future wisely.
Well, as soon as you left, every single planning is useless. Do u know what is the plans for our future?
Well, I really tried hard to be what you want me to be, and is it easy? Well, I don't think anyone will say it is.
When anyone asking else to be what they want him to be, they will sure say, ARE YOU CRAZY?
But when you said to me, wanting me to be that guy u dreamt, I really tried hard.
Why will I do that? Am I stupid?
No, the answer lies on our love. I love you deep down in my heart, loving you is not a choice but a decision.
I want to be who you want me to be.
But I guess its too late. You left and our love left and now I'm just alone facing part of my love to you and seeing you loving others.
Now, all I can do is just simply wait and wait and wait.
I know there won't be miracle and writing these blog are just useless, there is not even a single tiny mere chances that you are going to read it.
But now, I just have to let go, and just wait for you.
I have no direction, no planning for my future because it can only be done by half, you had taken away another half after you left.
So where is my future?
They say, pray to god and he will answer all your prayer
Is it even possible?
What happen when a guy is very desperate and have strong desire on something?
What if he pray and pray and pray and things just gone even worst?
So is praying relevant or just a believe?
Once a girl I love told me, learn to love and let go of anger.
But now she left, love is unnecessary.
I'm born to hate not to love? Am I?
Everyday after she left, kept dream of nightmare. All about her.
I can't protect her in the dream, all of it?
But in reality, she is save and sound.
So is this the sign from God saying, "don't touch my daughter, you can't protect her, get away from her or else you will have nightmare. "?
I'm really confused, these nightmares continuesly drained my mental energy, and now, I'm mentally ill.
Who cares? All I can do now is sitting alone wanting to shorten the time to meet hell?
All I ever pray for now is simple, but still is all about you.
I might not be part of you but you are everything to me? Confused. You had left happily and having a new love and new boyfriend.
I'm the one who called past and dust.
Why should I even bother?
"A guy who keep his words is only considered a real guy."
This is what you said to me and this is what I can't become.
Well, maybe I'm trying to prove to you? Or just unwilling to give up?
Is this what I should do? Praying blindly for you? Or suffer with the past we made together?
Should I just start to drink beer everyday and night to forget?
Life is meaningless and everyday I pray and pray and pray, but one day if I stop praying, things might gone chaos.
So hope prayer will help =)
Watch a video about "the moving on diary"
Keep on repeat the word, "move on"
Sounds simple, well I hope it is simple .
I ain't no playboy, I ain't no shit.
I'm just a normal guy which want to love and to be love and it was you.
It's not easy to fall in love and do the right thing but I did fall in love with you and I thought it is the right choice...
A future with me and you marry.
Well, maybe I don't even deserve future
Future is for someone who seek for it or ready for it.
It is for someone like you, who can fall in love again.
Me? I'm just a neighbourhood fool who still thinking miracle might happen and drinking beer to wait for your appearance.
Today too, I drank with one of my brother, well at least I'm nearly drunk, at least I don't need to think about you when I drunk
At least life is nothing when I'm drunk.
Who cares right?
One day I'm just gonna snap and vanished on this world
I'm just a passing by guy right?
So confused about myself nowadays, life is like roller coaster, but too bad I'm always in the bad situation,
when I thought miracle might happens, it will never happen to me.
Who are you to me? Stranger? Passersby? Friends? Bestie? Lover?
All I ever want is you but it will never happen again.
When I thought I'm walking out of this shadow of you, in fact, I'm actually circling around in the shadow and walk in even deeper,
Every single memory haunt me every day and night.
The only thing I can do is pretend nothing happen and fake my expression.
At first, beer can help me to control and slowly I'm addicted to it and in the end banned by my besties.
So, who are you now?
In my brain, in my life?
Why am I still keeping my promises towards you but not moving on?
Why can't I do that?
If life can retake, I really don't want to live a life.
All these suffer and joy, I can't take it anymore.
How only you will let me go or let me fit?
Who am I? I don't know myself anymore.
Thanks to a best friend that always accompany me and cheer me up, I still barely live my life.
The main key is still with you.
Are you going to hide it forever like you are doing it now?
Or unlock the lock in my heart to set me free?
May God guide you and pray for your safe journey in Melbourne or anywhere
And I miss you as soon as I hear you.
"Once yours, always belongs to you"
I will always keep my promises, at least this one.
